2001-12-14 - Fall Orgo Night
Location: The College Reading Room of Butler Library.
[March in to Roar]
Ladies and Gentlemen, and organic chemistry students, back despite New York's largest running commercial fire, it's the most anti-terrorist band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band!
[fanfare]
Featuring:
J. Mike Bloomberg - Breaking the Bank
J. Mark Green - Snake Eyes
J. Al Sharpton - Always Bet on Black
[fanfare]
Welcomes itself back to spirited, saccharine, strangely antiseptic, sedulous, semi-circular, recently renovated, yet still in need of renovation, College Library, where the shelves are long-lasting, but sadly not the men, and the women are checked out but long overdue. Featuring Harvard's GPA on the way up, Skyscrapers on the way down, and a veritable horde of Columbia students who just don't give a fuck, the band now presents its 34th consecutive, 69th semi-annual drive to lower the curve in Organic Chemistry while consummating the world's largest simultaneous Orgo.
{ALTERNATE:} Welcomes itself, in keeping with 30 years of tradition, to lavish, luminous, locquacious, lurid, and legendary Low Library, where the steps are rock hard, but sadly not the men, and where the women wear togas, but are cold and metallic. Featuring Harvard's GPA on the way up, Skyscrapers on the way down, and a veritable horde of Columbia students who just don't give a fuck, the band now presents its 34th consecutive, 69th semi-annual drive to lower the curve in Organic Chemistry while consummating the world's largest simultaneous Orgo.
[Play Who Owns New York]
Controversy arose lately over the heavy metal band Anthrax's decision to make a comeback performance in support of New York City relief efforts. In light of this concert, a number of other bands have joined together for a show that promises "to vaporize taboos like Don Rumsfeld vaporized Mullah Omar." And just when you thought the basement in the World Trade Center was hot, other inappropriately named bands like Flaming Afghan Villager and Twisted Metal have promised to play. Unfortunately, former Beatle George Harrison will not be appearing at the concert, due to his own death. We bet, though, that George never thought that he would outlive the World Trade Center! And now that a Beatles Reunion concert has become 100% more impossible, the band wonders what will happen when its in-house Ringo death pool is finally resolved. Will Paul finally write the tell-all book we've all been waiting for and admit that they really just used a drum machine? And if Paul is the Walrus, what's George? Dead? The band now forms George Harrison's tumor and plays "Bohemian Rhapsody."
[Play Bohemian Rhapsody]
Last week Mail Services in Lerner Hall made a large blunder when it almost threw out 15 bags of student mail. When questioned about this incident, Kenny Knuckles, Director of Student Services and an utterly incompetent asshole, only muttered, "I was going to sort your mail, but then I got high." Meanwhile Columbia students have been overheard complaining, "We must not be denied our valuable J. Crew catalogues," and "I Hate Lerner Hall... Now More Than Ever!" Perhaps a viable alternative would be to start stealing Barnard's mail, which continues to arrive intact. But do we really want our mailboxes stuffed with ball gags, dental dams, morning after pills, morning before pills, and catalogs from Martha Stewart and Hot Topic? I didn't think so. The band has found its own solution - we've asked everyone to address our mail to Hamilton Deli on Amsterdam. Yet, while actually getting our mail is nice, it's been difficult to work out whacky deli names for the various pieces of mail. For instance, every time we recieve a small package, we ask for a "Clinton." And every time we recieve a Dean's List notice, we call it a "Miracle." In honor of this fine Columbia institution the band now forms Absolutely Fine Food and plays, "I Need A Hero."
[Play I Need a Hero]
Recently, Columbia's campus has seen an explosion of student groups responding to the war in Afghanistan. New groups - such as People for Peace and Students United 4 Victory - have formed representing both sides of the issue of America's war against terrorism. However, it now seems that another flood of politically oriented clubs - receiving funding from such respected institutions as the Contemporary Civilization Department, The Hoover Institute, and the National Socialist Party of Germany - will be active within just a few weeks. The band has obtained a copy of the list of these proposed student organizations which include: People for Afghani Christianity, Students Against Abortion - Except in Afghanistan, Columbia Students for Hitler Dance Team, and last, but not least, The Students of Color Council: Black Students Hatin' on People Making War. When asked about what these student groups hoped to achieve, the leaders of these groups all had the same answer: powerful and moving coverage from the widely read and universally loved Columbia Daily Spectator. Sign-up sheets for these interest groups are posted in the Ethnocentric Institute for Racist Donkeyfuckers, which is located on the 12th floor of the SIPA building. We should also note that some students, however, have chosen to express themselves independently, like the one went to Afghan Kebab House #5, where he put up a poster reading "We Harbor Good Food." In honor of diversity, the band now Unites 4 Victory and plays "Sweet Racist of Mine."
[Play Sweet Child]
Since talks about possible contraction of baseball teams in 2002, Columbia has thought about contractions on campus. First on the list - Mail! Instead of having to rummage through garbage for your letters, now you simply won't get any mail. Another likely contraction would be the school of General Studies. Governor Jesse Ventura, who once was quoted as saying he wishes he had gone to Columbia, showed up at a recent University Senate hearing to oppose the idea. The following is an excerpt from his oration: "This is an outrage! Without GS, who will ask the annoying questions? Who will sit in the first row of chairs? Who will screw the TAs? Who will fuck up the curve on exams because they don't get drunk the night before?" The Senate proposed Barnard as an alternate target, but Male students at Columbia have opposed the idea vigorously. One drunk fratboy was quoted as saying, {Dan:} "Plimpton Hall is like the ball pit at McDonald's, only instead of being filled with balls, it's filled with drunk naked chicks. You gotta take your shoes off before you go in, man." While some suggested that the problem of an overabunance of low quality a capella groups on campus get dealt with, the University finally decided on a totally different plan, ordering that the Philippino, Indian, Korean, Taiwanese, and Vietnamese culture shows that run weekly will now fall under the jurisdiction of the Black Students Organization. In honor of the administration's support for interracial sex, the band now forms Low Library and plays "Love Shack."
[Play Love Shack]
According to various news reports, grades at Harvard are inflating faster than George Rupp can inflate his Nancy blow-up sex doll. When asked about this, President Rupp noted that when it comes to Nancy, much like the Biosphere, 2 is always better than one. But we digress... The grade inflation has been so profound that the Ivy League has had to set up its own grade exchange so that the academic market can react immediately to hourly changes. The move has left Harvard at the mercy of a horde of detractors who refer to it as "the NASDAQ" or "Kozmo.com." At the close of today's market, by the way, a SIPA degree is trading at 2 and 1/8th Harvard Law Degrees. Economic maestro and crazy old coot Alan Greenspan, commenting on the new exchange, exclaimed "I have a 13 inch cock!" Experts do agree, however, that with everyone scared of coming to New York City, selectivity will shoot down and bring Columbia back to its heyday. The band now imagines a time when vehicles filled with drugs on College Walk didn't belong to CAVA and plays "Closer."
[Play Closer]
To facilitate the hot pursuit of members of the Al-Qaeda network, The Bush administration has created a system of secret Military War Tribunals to convict what they call war criminals, which include terrorists, abortion doctors and Alaskans. US Attorney General John Ashcroft has defended this plan by citing a number of US historical precedents, such as actions taken against Confederates during the Civil War. Ashcroft also suggested re-exploring other successful experiments in American History, announcing a vacation for all Muslim-Americans in honor of Ramadan. "We'll provide the accomodations," he announced, "but they'll have to walk to Oklahoma themselves." The Attorney General has also declared that anyone who opposes his plans is "an enemy of freedom" and "aiding the terrorists." The band only wonders if he applies the same ideas toward his sex life. "Look, bitch, if you don't start with the candle wax and the anal beads right now, you are an enemy of freedom!" In honor of this great public servant the band now forms anal beads and plays "Carry On My Wayward Attorney General."
[Play Carry On]
Well, that's all for us tonight. But before we go, we'd like to leave you with a few study hints for that big Orgo exam tomorrow:
Potassium Hydroxide is a flaming base, whereas Elton John is a flaming pianist.
6.02 x 10^23 is Avogadro's number, while 4-2825 is Rupp's number. No, really. Call it. Say hello. He might invite you over to the residence to knock back vodka tonics. He does that quite a lot, you know.
If your litmus paper turns blue, it means the solution is a base. If your litmus paper turns red, it means the solution is an acid. If your litmus paper makes the walls breathe as your eyes go BLAM! While the sun sets behind the swirling fluorescent kaleidoscope of Fruity Pebbles in the endless chain of karma sucking you up like the last piece of lint in the great belly button called Earth, it means YOU'RE on acid.
Goodnight everyone!
[March out to Raw]